Always Gold
by the mermaid of zennor
Summary: In the aftermath of the Battle of the Five Armies, how will Fíli cope with the loss of his brother? Follows on from 'The stuff of nightmares', eventual happy ending. HIATUS
1. Dreams and reality

**_Here's the continuation of 'The stuff of nightmares,' because _****_Fíli needs a happy ending (that makes it sound like he's going to die but he's not!). _****_The title came about when I was listening to my ipod on the walk to campus the other day, I thought 'Always Gold' was quite a good song for Fíli in this fic :3_**

**_I don't own anything._**

* * *

1\. Dreams and reality

_"Hurry up Fee!" Kíli calls, as he runs ahead of his brother, much quicker on his feet despite being five years younger and tiny for his age._

_"I'm giving you a head start!" Fíli shouts after him. _

_"No you're not, you're just slow!" Kíli crows. Fíli pulls a face at his brother's back; __Kíli_ _might only be twenty years old but he is already far too observant for his own good. _

_Just as F__íli __catches up, grinning widely to try to hide his heavy breathing and flushed face, Kíli is running again. This time though, he takes a flying leap at a nearby tree and dangles by his arms from the lowest branch, his feet several inches from the ground._

_"Look Fee, I'm flying!" he giggles, swinging his stubby legs wildly. Fíli bites his lip in frustration._

_"Kíli, you mustn't do that," he says sternly, trying to sound like Uncle Thorin does when he tells K__íli off__._

_"Why?"_

_"It's dangerous!" _

_"Why?"_

_"You might fall off and hurt yourself!"_

_"I won't!"_

_"Well…trees are for elves!" Fíli smirks, sure that this will get K__íli down. Like their uncle, they both __hate elves. Kíli sticks his tongue out._

_"Nope! I like trees and I'm a dwarf!" he shouts, as he pulls himself up to sit on the branch, before standing up to reach for the one above. _

_"I'll tell Mama," Fíli threatens. K__íli's jaw drops; he stops climbing and dangles limply from the next branch._

_"No Fee, don't be mean!" he pouts, gazing at his brother and blinking his large eyes sadly. As usual, F__íli caves._

_"Okay, fine! Just a little way up though," he concedes, sitting cross-legged on the grass at the foot of the tree. Kíli cheers and continues to climb, while Fíli takes out a handful of toys from the pocket of his tunic and busies himself with setting up a battle between the wooden dwarf-soldiers and an army of orcs improvised from a few scavenged pebbles. __He is so absorbed in his game that he forgets to keep an eye on Kíli, and soon he can no longer hear Kíli's laughter or the rustling of leaves as he climbs. Worried, he looks up, but K__íli is nowhere to be seen in any of the trees around the clearing._

_"Kíli? Kíli where are you?" he shouts, a note of panic creeping into his voice. He was supposed to be looking after his little brother, not losing him._

_"Up here!" The faint triumphant shout seems to be coming from directly above where F__íli sits. _

_"Where?" he calls, looking up again, scanning the tree frantically with his eyes. This time, he catches a glimpse of one side of Kíli's face, peering over a particularly large branch. The dwarfling waves enthusiastically, and F__íli replies with a relieved smile._

_"I'm gonna jump down!" Kíli grins. The smile falls rapidly from F__íli's face__, replaced by a stare of open-mouthed horror. _

_"__No you're not!" he insists, folding his arms across his chest. "Just climb back down safely!"_

_"It's okay, you'll catch me!" Kíli chirps confidently, and with that, he launches himself from the branch. Fíli instantly stretches out his arms, watching anxiously, but the little dwarfling never appears through the branches and leaves overhead. _

_At least, not in the way Fíli remembers._

_A body falls in front of him. __Kíli. Dead._

* * *

The sun is setting when Fíli's eyes flicker open, the fading light reflecting off the snow, bathing everything in a warm golden glow. He can feel the weight of Kíli's head resting against him as he sleeps, both of them covered by a soft white blanket, their hands clasped together for comfort.

Kíli's fingers are ice, his hair decorated with beads of frost. He lies quite still, his lips a faint purple and ghosted by the remnants of a smile. There is no slow steady heartbeat beneath the ill-fitting armour, no soft tickle of breath against Fíli's arm.

"Gone," Fíli whispers, his breath misting in front of his face. Never has he felt so cold before. Snow has fallen while he slept, beginning to draw a clean sheet over the remains of the battle surrounding them.

He looks around slowly, the muscles of his neck stiff with disuse, his eyes catching sight of something familar half-buried in the snow. Kíli's bow is snapped in two, the wood splintered, the two halves now joined only by the thinnest frayed strand of the string.

"I'll mend it for you," he reassures his brother, clutching the broken pieces in his fist. If only he could mend Kíli so easily.

It seems like hours he sits there in silence, cradling Kíli in his arms, willing himself to wake up, praying desperately that this is nothing more than a bad dream.

* * *

"Fíli, you're alive!" a voice calls urgently.

"I'm not alive, Kíli's not dead," he murmurs to himself over and over, shaking his head frantically, though in his heart he knows the words are a lie.

"Fíli, it's me, Bilbo. You need to come with me, quickly!" the hobbit stutters as he gasps for breath.

"I'm not going anywhere," Fíli whispers, pressing his forehead to Kíli's.

"It's Thorin." Bilbo continues. Fíli's face darkens in fury. Thorin. Thorin did this.

* * *

**_Not sure if I like this or not, but I guess intros are usually necessary :/ _**

**_The dream/memory part will hopefully become more relevant as I go along.._**


	2. Blame

**_Thank you for reading, reviewing &amp; fav/following!_**

**_I don't own anything._**

* * *

2\. Blame

Fíli stops dead in his tracks at the sight of the bloodied body before him, an image that is now all too familiar. He gazes down at Kíli's peaceful smile, tears welling in his eyes, as his anger fades away as quickly as it had risen. He blinks. When he opens his eyes, the figure lying prone on the ice is unmistakeably his uncle.

He approaches cautiously, his limbs heavy as lead, suddenly unsure of what to say. Thorin opens his eyes slowly, smiling faintly as he sees the two figures standing over him.

"Fíli?"

He blinks in confusion, unsure if he has heard Thorin correctly. He cannot recall the last time his uncle had spoken his name without following it with a reprimand.

"Yes, I'm here," he replies quietly.

"Good, that's good..." Thorin smiles, shaking hands clutching at his arm for reassurance. In answer, Fíli presses his forehead to Thorin's, tears brimming in his eyes. To his surprise, Thorin does not pull away, or tell him to stop acting like a child.

"Fíli, your hair is a mess," Thorin mutters thickly, descending into a bout of feeble coughing. Fíli nods as he sits back, pushing a few stray clumps out of his face. "I could braid it for you, if you like?"

Fíli stares at him. The last time he could remember Thorin being actively affectionate towards him, he was less than two feet tall and Kíli was little more than a babe in arms. For a moment, he wants to accept, the dwarfling within him still desperately seeking the attention that was always lavished upon Kíli instead.

And then he remembers, all the fury that has built up over the past day returning with a vengeance.

"No," Fíli snarls, ripping his arm from his uncle's grip as though the touch burns him. "You did this!" Thorin stares at him as he staggers to his feet, brandishing the broken bow still clutched in his fist.

"No," Thorin whispers, but the faint protest barely registers in Fíli's mind, so great is the torrent of rage that now overwhelms him.

"Kíli is dead because of you!"

"Fíli..." Bilbo's pleas fall on deaf ears.

"It was the orcs," Thorin tries to reason, as he struggles to push himself into a sitting position, causing fresh blood to leak from his wounds onto the snow.

"You sent us out on our own when you knew the orcs were there!" Fíli bellows.

"And you left him alone!"

Fíli freezes in shock, the words ringing in his ears. He has been so consumed with anger at his uncle that this, the terrible idea that he himself could be to blame, has not yet entered his mind.

"Fíli, you can't lay blame like this," Thorin continues in a gentler tone, though the words do nothing to stem the tide of guilt rising within him.

"Why not? You always do," he snarls, clenching his fists. Thorin bows his head in assent, a pained sigh escaping his lips.

"You always wanted me to be like you. I've spent my whole life trying. Well, now I am," Fíli continues, his face reddening with fury, spurred on to greater anger by the lack of argument.

"You sent your own brother to his death, and you've done the same to mine. I'm just like you now. You must be so proud."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows that he's gone too far. Bilbo gasps in horror and claps his hands over his mouth, while Thorin simply stares at him, his mouth slightly ajar, lips twitching as if trying to speak.

His anger dwindles, ebbing away, leaving only the overwhelming ache of guilt burning in his chest. Shaking violently, his breathing ragged, he stumbles backwards and runs, away from Thorin, away from Bilbo's frantic reassurances, away from Kíli.

_You left him, you left him, you left him._

He runs blindly through the ruins for what seems like hours, collapsing into a corner and curling in on himself, as though this will shield him from the truth.

_You left him, you left him, you left him._

As his eyes close, he finds himself smiling. Sleep is a relief; it is waking that is the nightmare.

* * *

And so he does not see Bilbo's sombre expression as he sits silently beside Thorin, nor the way his shoulders slump as he walks slowly away, tears running down his face.

* * *

**_Sorry if you don't much like this; it's taken me ages to get this written but I'm still not that happy with it, conflicts are not my forte it seems. Still, now I can resolve it which I much prefer writing._**

**_King Fíli or not? Currently I'm leaning towards not, but I'd be interested to hear what you think :)_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**This isn't an update, I just wanted to say that I haven't abandoned this, I just have a serious block :/ so thanks for bearing with.**_

_**In response to reviews...**_

_**I do apologise for the ambuiguity at the end of chapter 2, I hadn't yet decided whether I wanted Thorin in the story or not. However since several people requested it, I will leave him in there. So fear not, I won't be killing anyone else off!**_

_**If you want warnings in advance whether characters die, I am afraid my writing is probably not for you, for me that would rather spoil things :)**_


End file.
